Two Decades and a Dozen Months

It has been a year since I cribbed about turning twenty. This time however, I shall not rant. I shall instead, wish for a couple (okay, much more than a couple) of things that can possibly make me forget the fact that I am indeed turning twenty one. 

So here come the twenty one wishes (in random order) that can positively make my twenty first year a joyride. (quite literally, in one case.) 

1) Nigella Lawson!! Will someone please gag her, shove her and her larder in a big gunny sack and export her to Bangalore? Pretty please? Every time I watch her show, I drool so much that Pavlov and his dog must be giving me a standing ovation from up there. 

2) A customized BMTC bus that will appear miraculously in front of my college every time I think about going home. That way, I don't have to reach home in a grumpy mood after having broken my thigh bone by an 8 year old who decides my lap is more fun to dance on than maybe.....the floor of the bus? Most of the times, I love traveling by buses. It's one of these rare instances that completely spoil that joyride for me.

3) Delhi in Bangalore. I WANT Delhi in Bangalore. I miss Delhi so much, I can picture Evergreen ka chaatwalla in my dreams on particularly hungry nights....and days even. Bangalore is home, but Delhi is where a part of my heart still remains. Why cant I mix the two cities like that horribly sexist Axe ad?

4) Websites that don't give you the preview of an essay-that will be very useful for your English exam research-only to wait for you to scroll down and then scream out 'YOU CAN BUY THE FULL ESSAY FOR $8.59 ONLY!!!!' Really, computers are supposed to be the storehouse of knowledge, not a warehouse. 

5) Unlimited supply of Lay's Magic Masala. You know, the type that will not make you puke even if you crunch down 7-8 packs at a time. I can only go past one. The second one makes me queasy and the final one brings out the other two. :-( 

6) A Mindwriter. When I'm not yapping (on rare rare occasions), my mind is constantly yapping inside, if you get what I mean. I could probably write a really funny book with the kinda stuff I think...but I forget it all very fast. I wish I could have something that writes down everything that goes on in my mind only to read on a grey day.  Also, I wouldn't need to type this out so meticulously after forming grammatically correct sentences. 

7) A book wishing spell. It's like I really wish I have this book and POOF! It turns up! And if I get bored halfway (which sadly happened to a certain Russian Classic writer I was reading) then by wishing so, the entire book should be read without my knowledge. Just in case I need to show off that I've read the book, and quote a line or two, then it would be cool! 

8) Water bottles that don't get opened by anyone other than me. I'm stingy with water OK? I hate sharing water and believe it must be a fundamental duty of every citizen to bring their own freakin bottles to college so that my bottle doesn't get passed around like some purple toy. 

9) A Pizza cake. Has anyone ever made that? It would be nice though...with a pizza-ish filling and a crumbly crust with cheese as icing and olives as the sugar balls. 

10) A pair of Self-exercising shoes. I've given up trying to exercise a long time ago. Maybe I can get a pair of shoes that will promptly start exercising the moment they're worn. By me, that is. Or if someone can invent a wireless connection wherein other people exercising can burn my calories, then that would be perfectly alright. 

11) A security alarm for my Psychology notes and record. Something that will blare out if they have been displaced from my bag. Or maybe I should get them insured somewhere. 

12) A brand new memory! Something that will remember every face, book, movie, textbook and experience of my life. I've been getting rather cold looks from people I cannot place. Wait now, what is the mineral responsible for good memory? Is it Iron? 

13) People who laugh at my superstitions must be jinxed to immediately babble out one deep dark embarrassing secret of theirs. So I have a lucky (fine...and unlucky) song. And I believe in the 'One for sorrow Two for joy' crow thingy. It's worked for twenty years. I think that's good enough evidence to justify its miraculous powers, thanks. 

14) A backpack that can hold everything and still appear tiny. Hermione, are you listening? 

15) Contact lenses that scream out in agony when I try to put them in old solution. At least that way, I'll remember to change the solution every day. It really is tough with my memory and all. Honest. 

16) A mini planner executive person thingy in my mind that goes Go now to room 15, you have class there or Today is the last day of the extended version of your extended deadline to submit English assignment. FINISH it. It really would help. Most of the times, I seem to be floating in a parallel world with a dazed expression. Except, I am not romantic film heroine thinking of dream sequences with hero. I am generally thinking of what to eat next, or which notes haven't been completed, or something equally intriguing. 

17) An age changing potion. So that sometimes, when I feel I want to be pampered like a five year old by my family, I can go back to that age. Or if I want to watch TV like a 70 year old granny, then I can go forward in time. 

18) A mini chaat stall at home. I love chaat. Everyone should have chaat stalls at home. Its a pity the home made chaat never tastes like chaat. It just tastes...well...like its been made at home. 

19) An alarm clock that will alter the Greenwich Mean Time if I want to oversleep. That way, I'll never feel guilty for being late to any place. They're running on my time anyway. 

20) One of those mini retort books that will immediately tell me which smart ass comment I am supposed to make if I am rebuked by someone. In most situations, I end up standing befuddled and the person just walks away. I need to make a witty retort at that moment, not in my diary three hours later, or even worse, in my memory for at least 5 months. 

and finally, my twenty first wish for my twenty first birthday is -

21) To have all of this come true. Can it? Do you see that mail van anywhere? 

Note to self:

1) When unwanted person (say, someone who you wished and prayed all your life would never have the good fortune to see your radiant face again. Ever.) strays in your path in the crowded corridors of college culturals, please DO NOT find nearest room (only to find out Tamil Essay writing is going on there)  to run into or hide behind ghastly (but very nicely painted) picture of Snow White. Also, don't try and pretend you don't know who the person is (and then look out if he is around just to dash into other obscure rooms. Now that the incident has occurred and you have done both of the above, DON'T sit and re-live that painful, traumatic and melodramatic sequence all over again for the five hundred and twentieth time in your mind. 

2) When you enter the cinema hall in the dark, it is generally a good thing to hold friend's hand. Knowing how poised you are, you will trip and fall almost flat on someone else's face. It's dark and all, true, but still. People do have good vision in the dark once the rods and cones have adjusted their light settings. Wearing very bright striped t-shirt does not help either. 

3) Seats in theatres don't go down by themselves, you have to push them and sit. Not sit on them and push. That just makes you look incredibly tall. And slightly foolishly uncomfortable. 

4) When someone takes the trouble of complimenting you, don't stare at them as though they have contracted some rare form of malaria from the jungles of the Amazon. Smile and say 'Thanks'. Or at least, just smile. 

5) When you hear a particularly horrendous rendition of 'Zombie' in the Western Electric competition, it does not help to imitate the poor distressed soul and do the entire headbanging routine in front of your friends. There are people...and cameras around you. Cameras that are capturing the entire culturals and putting it on some website. And people who are writing about the culturals. Now go meekly to your room and pray that the editor of that website has the enlightenment not to put your radiant face on his website. (face might not be seen, fortunately. Only one pony going up and down. But that bright striped t-shirt will give you away again.) 

I've managed to accomplish all of the above in just one day. I'm turning into Bridget Jones. Or some equally interesting person who manages to embarrass herself on occasions when the density of human species is particularly high.